


He'll learn to be good.

by TheKsourmoon



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Anxious Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Bad Ending, Bad Parenting, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders is Bad at Feelings, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Platonic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Self-Harming Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28228743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheKsourmoon/pseuds/TheKsourmoon
Summary: Each of the sides going through some emotional stuff regarding their self worth as both Light..and Dark sides. Pushing away, when they need help the most.. Some good angstBased on the song "I'll be good" by Jaymes YoungTW: Self Harm(Not Active, Past, referenced a few times)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	1. Janus Will be Good

He woke early in the morning, wiping his eyes clear as he sat up in the bed. Another nightmare. He'd..be fine. He swallowed down the sinking feelings as he stood, crossing his room, pausing at his mirror. Had his scales...always been so horridly bright?  
He shivered. I thought I saw the Devil, this morning. Looking in the mirror. He let out a sigh, reaching for his signature glass from the table, choosing to leave behind the cursed image in the mirror. He walked to his cabinet, pulling out a bottle of Rum. A drop of Rum on my tongue. More than just a drop..nearly half the glass entered him before he set it down. With the warning, to help me see myself clearer. 

"..I never meant to start a fire... " He lies quietly to the empty room. He tilted his head back, letting out a sigh. He truly had not meant to cause such deep seperations. Had Roman and Remus..remained as King, there would have been so much worse chaos. 

"..I never meant to make you bleed.." His own grief overtaking briefly as he reminded himself of the terrible life he gave someone ...he had truly loved. ..All for his own blind need to keep Thomas safe. ..He'd hurt the person he treated as his own son...

He shook himself from the thoughts, rolling back his shoulders before heading over to his closet, pulling out and on his signature outfit, ensuring his gloves were snugly in place. "..I'll be a better man today." He lied. 

And with that, he headed out into the mind palace. His goals for the day set. Do what he could to ..keep his mind busy and resume his normal duties. Keeping an allyship with the light sides was imperative. ..and if that meant telling the truth occasionally, ..then so be it. 

I'll be good, I'll be good.  
And..I'll love the world like I should..  
Yeah, I'll be good I'll be good..  
..For all of the times, ..That I never could.  
His mantra clearly repeating itself in his head as he walked, meeting up with each of the sides, spending time respectfully with Logan. 

He assisted in going over memory stones. My past has tasted bitter for years now. With Logan he stayed rather quiet only making small remarks on how the memories should be properly organized. He would never let these memories get to him again. So I wield an iron fist. He was careful with what he told to Logan, knowing fully well speaking on certain memories they were messing with, could very well cause..great harm. For both himself..and Logan. Grace is just a weakness, or so he's been told. As he left Logan's room, he couldn't help but think of how those memories have affected him. 

I've been cold, I've been merciless. And it was true, ..He'd hurt Virgil so many times. So what if it was only verbal, it was still horrible. If he had been different..maybe Virgil wouldn't have left. Maybe Virgil wouldn't have- 

But the blood on my hands, scares me to death. 

He swallowed, glancing down at his own gloved hands, bringing them up slightly almost as if to remind himself...he's fine. He is still here. He is present. Stay. Present.  
"Maybe I'm waking up today.. " He says, before continuing on to his next visit. 

I'll be good, I'll be good.  
And I'll love the world, like I should.  
I'll be good, I'll be good.  
I'll be good I'll be good.  
Maybe if he repeated himself enough, it wouldn't feel like a lie. After all, ..He was trying his best to be good. He had managed to be truthful to Logan for the most part..only deflecting rather than..outright lies..

He was silent as he passed the light side of creativity. He knew speaking would only result in a potential threat response. It was..better to not speak at all. For all of the light, that I've shut out. It was only natural to avoid conflict with the light side. 

Janus headed for the kitchen, knowing fully well that there was a good chance the Moral side would be there. Patton was ..better to be with. Even if it was also nerve-wracking. His lies very quickly turned to misunderstandings when in Patton's presence. For all of the innocent things that I've doubt. 

He was a little taken aback as he entered the kitchen, spotting Virgil at the kitchen table. An apple in the purple loving side's mouth. Janus had not expected to run into Virgil..but...He could handle that. For all of the bruises that I've caused in the tears. He could handle anything. 

If he was good enough,..He could make himself better. He could make up for all the mistakes. Hurting Virgil, ..Breaking Creativity, Lying, his mistrust..his secrets.  
For all of the things that he's done, all these years. All the sparks he's stomped out. Protecting Thomas from the dangers of the world, by forcing Paranoia..No..Anxiety, to come down so harshly. 

He could make up for all of the perfect things that he doubted. 

I'll be good I'll be good.  
And I'll love the world, like I should.  
I'll be good, I'll be good.  
For all of the times, ..I never could.  
He could maybe, make it up..no matter how long it took. He would be good.


	2. Virgil will be good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil has a panic attack, thinking about his past, and the now conflicting present. He can't take it, and decides that..maybe help isn't such a bad thing. 
> 
> I'm terrible at summaries. My bad. Here. my first ever Virgil piece.

Virgil woke up rather suddenly, bolting awake as he normally did each morning. He was mid blind panic and was already having trouble regulating his breathing. This..was his normal. After all, weren't nightmares of his past the most common thing to think of, when you were Thomas's anxiety.   
He sat up, heading to the bathroom, he paused as he spotted himself in the bathroom mirror. His heart fell to the bottom of his stomach. He didn't recognize himself. He looked paler than usual. He was worried. Was this because of what he kept doing to Thomas..? I thought I saw the devil, this morning. Looking in that mirror.. He swallowed, grabbing a cup of water from his sink. He downed it with a soft sigh. He wished it tasted like rum. A drop of rum on my tongue. He paused, letting his mantra enter. A warning, to help himself see himself clearer. 

He let out a soft sigh. He felt like he was on fire. Everything hurt a little. His chest felt like it was constricting as he breathed, feeling the panic swarming through him as he burned alive, his chest aching. He swallowed softly, trying to focus on his breathing, taking in deep breaths as he focused on himself in the mirror...I never meant to start a fire, ..I never meant to hurt Thomas, I never meant to make you bleed..I never meant to harm him... He let out a sigh as he finally calmed down over the course of around twenty minutes, Hoping he hadn't hurt Thomas too badly, with his panic. I'll be a better man today. I'll try harder...Thomas can't keep suffering from me..

I'll be good, I'll be good.   
And I'll, make myself love the world like I should. Yeah, I'll be good I'll be good...

For all of the times, ..that I never could. Every time I hurt Thomas, every time I hurt the other sides..

He stopped himself, pulling away from the mirror. He headed for the closet, pulling his favorite jacket off the hook. He yanked it on, along with his favorite beanie. He could make it through. Just another day. He could make it. He could be better. He didn't have to focus on the bad, Just..be there. Be there for Thomas, to warn him. Not think of any- ..My past has tasted bitter for years now. 

No. No, Don't focus on that. He had to be strong. He wasn't evil, he wasn't bad.. He just needed to protect Thomas. To warn him, ..To make sure he stayed safe. So I wield an Iron fist. He needed to stay strong. 

He headed out into the hallway, heading for the kitchen. He nodded at Patton giving a short thumbs up before grabbing an apple from the basket. He bit into it. Grace is just weakness.. He reminded himself. ...it had been a long time since he thought of those words. It felt so empty. 

I've been so cold, and so merciless in his efforts in the past. it felt absolutely terrible as he continued to munch on the apple, even as Deceit walked into the room. He chose to ignore it, even as he felt the juices from the apple run down his fingers. 

But the blood on my hands scares me to death. ..He felt the world around him go dark before he bolted from the kitchen, leaving a..silent and shocked looking Deceit, and a scared looking Patton. 

Maybe..I'm waking up today. 

I'll be good, I'll be good.. For Thomas,   
And I'll love the world, like I should.  
I'll be good, I'll be good..  
I'll be good..I'll be good...

He repeated the mantra to himself over, and over again as he felt the emotions overflowing through him. Making his way through the hall back to his room. He wished he'd never left. He swallowed back a sob. He heard the door to Roman's room open as he headed out to see what the commotion was. 

"..Virgil?" Roman asked.   
Virgil bowed his head rather quickly, speeding walking past, his shoulders raising under the thick warm fabric. He couldn't have felt colder.   
For all of the light that I've shut out. 

He made it back to his room, running inside and locking his door before heading to the bed, trying to calm his own breathing. He wasn't..being good. Thomas would react badly..They'd be angry, wouldn't they? ..He hurt Thomas.. He collapsed next to the bed on the floor.

He heard a knock at the door, and a small voice, ..distinctly inocent sounding.   
"..Kiddo? Please, talk to me..Let me in, we can talk this out." Patton stated. 

For all of the innocent things that I've doubt. He honestly didn't think Patton could make it better. He'd only end up hurting both of them.  
For all of the bruises that I've caused and the tears.. He could hear a small sob through the door as he himself tried to calm his own breathing. Short sobs came from Virgil's mouth as he struggled to calm himself down. He couldn't keep doing this to Thomas, ..to the others. It only caused more harm. he just kept hurting them. 

For all of the things that I've done all these years. He paused, as he heard a stronger knock at the door, and the handle of his door shook. "Virgil! Let me in, please. I want to help you. Please, ..Let me help you.." 

Virgil was shocked, ...barely registering that he wasn't breathing.. Roman. Roman actually wanted to help? 

He heard door knob jiggle a bit more as it was unlocked via the emergency key, He swallowed, curling in on himself at the foot of the bed, trying to cover his face with the sleeves of his fabric jacket. 

"..Virgil.." a soft saddened voice came, as both Patton and Roman entered the room. 

For all of the sparks that I've stomped out. Roman knelt down, sitting next to Virgil, sweeping his arms around the other. He let out a soft sigh. Of Relief or irritation..Virgil couldn't tell. 

For all of the perfect things that I've doubt. Patton came in close, kneeling before Virgil. he was careful as he pulled Virgil's arms away from his face and head, moving to pull Virgil into a hug, letting Roman move in closer. 

"..I'll be good, I'll be good.." A whisper barely left the tensed Virgil, tears streaking down his cheeks, his makeup running quite a bit. He felt so defeated. Even when he tried..so very hard to not panic, ...not worry, not..be anxious. 

"..You'll love the world, ..like we all should." Roman whispers softly as he hugged into Virgil. 

"Yeah, You'll be good, ..You'll be good.." Patton says, pressing a soft kiss to Virgil's hair as he hugged the other tighter. 

"..For all of the times, ..I never could." Virgil whispered out one final time, finally letting in the two, allowing his barriers to drop. He let out a sob succumbing to their comfort. ...

Maybe it wouldn't be bad to let..them help..since he couldn't handle it alone..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep up the kudos and I'll keep this going. I've got an idea for a Remus one and A Roman one....and even a Logan fic. AND THERES ANOTHER VERSION OF THIS VIRGIL ONE THATS SADDER THAT COULD BE UNLOCKED AT 500 KUDOS o-o *tosses that into the void* 
> 
> LETS GOOOOOOO

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. If this gets enough attention, I'll do one for each. I've already got a Roman and Remus fic forming as we listen


End file.
